My name is Cathy, (I am not an
actor-well not technically anyway) and I
play tennis. I've tried quitting but I
just can't. Once I start to lose I experience
changes in behaviour, thinking or mood, hostility, agitation, I'm depressed and
have suicidal thoughts and actions. My
doctor recommends winning. He has told
me to stop playing if I notice behavioural changes such as wanting to lash out
uncontrollably against my opponents or uttering the words, "How would you
like it if I rammed this ball down your throat?". If I develop and/or have a history of these
actions, I am to contact my head pro right away as some could be life
threatening, ( to my opponents life that is)
I am to use caution while playing at the net and I am to phone my club
pro if my game becomes worse. Side
effects of losing can be an unusual increase in alcohol intake as well as a
greater increase in the use of profanity and very few invitations to
dinner. If winning continues to allude me,
I am to phone the tennis hotline at 1-800-you-suck, and speak to a former loser
who has rebounded from this tennis hell and who will provide me with such words
of wisdom like "It's not whether
you win or lose, it's how you play the game" which is badly and thus the reason for my
call. If all else fails, I am to remind myself that
tennis is merely a game. Much like The Hunger Games, the tennis game is a
daily ritual in which players of all ages, from tennis clubs around the globe, battle to
the death. The last one standing doesn't
die shamelessly. Caution: If bragging rights and
feelings of euphoria do not last longer than one week contact your head pro and book a lesson immediatley. Play to win!
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