One more week and the big guy will be descending upon all of us. Not talking about Mayor Rob. I'm talking about the really Big Guy. Bigger than Rob Ford if that's even possible. I'm referring to the numero uno big guy none other than Santa Claus himself. You can certainly tell Christmas is closing in on us here in Toronto. There's more horn honking and hand gesturing than usual (and that's a lot) and the spirit of Christmas is alive and well; comes in a variety of sizes; and can be found at any of the local LCBO's.
Everywhere you go the subways and buses are jam packed with holiday shoppers. People are friendlier than ever but that could be because they are finding themselves in any number of compromising positions. This gives a whole new meaning to season's greetings. When I was six I thought standing too close to someone was how you got pregnant. Good thing it isn't because the buses are so crowded we'd be talking gang rape.
Other telltale signs Christmas is around the corner: house burglaries and car thefts are on the rise; gas prices have gone up just in time for folks to travel over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house they go; Christmas movies have taken over the air waves and some real classics too like Miracle on 34th St.; White Christmas with Bing Crosby and the all time classic National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. I would like to leave you with but one of my favourite quotes from this movie. It almost always brings a tear to my eyes. In addition I would like to dedicate this to my daughter’s former soccer coach. I like to think it was written especially with him in mind.
I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?
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