Up in Smoke

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. School is in session and so too returns that thick cloud of choking smoke that lingers just outside the entrance to those hallowed halls. It’s the smoker’s corner and sadly this year, somewhere in the gray mist is my kid.

What is it with teens and smoking? Sorry to sound like Jerry Seinfeld and not that that’s a bad thing (sounding like Jerry Seinfeld) because Jerry Seinfeld is probably one of the funniest comedians out there and if I were to sound anything like him I would be rolling in the dough, not literally but figuratively. But seriously just what is it with teens and smoking? Teens do dumb things. That’s what they do. They skateboard without helmets; tattoo and pierce body parts; an earring here; a towel rack there. But the dumbest thing any teenager could do is to start smoking.

The invention of cigarettes has to be the worst mistake in history with the possible exception of handguns and Betamax. But for the life of me, (now I’m sounding like my mom) why is it I would rather my teen be an axe murderer than a smoker? I’ll just bet Lizzie Borden was a nonsmoker. Just how does one get through to their teen when it comes to smoking?

Yes I smoked when I was a meager teenager but times were very different then. Cigarettes were merely hazardous to your health like crossing the road or drinking stale dated milk. Not much was known about the hazards of smoking. Heck we could smoke on airplanes. These days not only can you not smoke on airplanes you can’t even carry sun-screen, nail clippers or shampoo. Evidently, essential items required in bomb making and not just for hygiene anymore. Whatever happened to swallowing gold fish or streaking? They were simple innocent youthful idiotic pranks teenagers once performed. Safety pins are now protruding out of teenagers’ eyebrows. Who knew they could fall off?


I’ve used the scare tactics. “My father, your grandfather, may he rest in peace, died of tobacco smoke.” My sister, your aunt, lost her lung to cigarette smoke.” Smoking hazardous to your health? Kids listen up.
Smoking will inevitably kill you. Second hand smoke will kill your dog. Your teeth, skin and house will turn a putrid shade of yellow. Your physical appearance will become so hideous you will be forced to wear a beekeeper’s bonnet or chadri. Any item of clothing to cover the grotesque appearance of the lines and wrinkles smoking will eventually leave on your puberty stricken cover girl coated face. You can talk to your teen about the hazards of smoking until you’re blue in the face (which by the way your teen will eventually be due to lack of oxygen to the bloodstream from smoking), but to no avail.

The anti smoking campaign with the glass of toxic waste used to manufacture cigarettes did little to sway teens away from smoking. On the contrary; the creepier the commercials became the funnier they appeared to teens. Cigarettes are loaded with harmful chemicals. Cigarette packages should simply state the obvious. IF YOU ARE THAT INCREDIBLY STUPID THEN BY ALL MEANS SMOKE ME.

Yes teenagers are more prone to peer pressure. And yes one of the biggest reasons teens start to smoke is peer influence. Why can’t peers influence my teen to wear loose fitting clothing. Clean the tub after she’s shaved her legs. Get good grades. No it’s always the smoking and drinking and don’t even get me started on the drinking. There’s a Pandora’s box I don’t particularly care to open. When it comes to drinking you can advise your teen to at least drink sensibly. Can you give that same advice for smoking? How would one go about smoking sensibly? Don’t inhale? My advice is save your money and suck on a straw if it’s the appearance of smoking you desire.

Teens perceive smoking to be an adult behaviour. If teens want to act like adults why not just conform to the norms of society. Go to truck rallies. Have regrets about missed opportunities. Whine about unimportant things. It’s always worked for me.



As parents we try our best to steer our children down the correct path. That proverbial fork in the road is paved with a fair amount of temptation. I believe Beelzebub himself to reside there.


Why can’t teenagers just be what they are; that member of a rather large and somewhat powerful tribe whose job is simply to be self-absorbed, self-indulgent and pleasure seeking individuals.

As a parent I understand the struggle will continue. I’m hopeful the smoking will cease and the fog will disperse. I’ve survived three teenagers what’s one more? You know what they say. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. The person who said that had to have had teenagers!