The Interview

They say a small amount of anxiety is a good thing. They probably never had the pleasure of interviewing for a job, where you’re asked a series of totally non-job related questions by total strangers, usually a duo of them, and where your answers will determine if you’re a "good fit" with the organization. Basically, one must sell themselves. One must prostitute oneself; well that minus the sex part of course.
This is how I see the interview.
If at any time you’re unsure of a question or wish to come back to it, please don’t hesitate to interrupt us. Why thank you for planting that seed in my head.
Question #1: So tell us about yourself.
Speak of the genuine me? Does anyone not embellish the truth here? Do they want to know about my professional life or my personal life? Either way, both suck right about, otherwise why would I be applying for a low paying, bad hours, not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life type of position? I am going to have to make something up here. So here goes. Why I have several years of experience, hardworking, dependable, and I see my goals and values fit well with the organizations goals and values. Blah! Blah! Blah! Make note: Must attend general absolution in very near future.
Question #2: So what do you do in your spare time? Oh yes. They will want to hear that all I do is haul my ungrateful kids all over hells half-acre so they can do all the things I couldn’t do as a child. Issues me; why I am kept busy by volunteering my time to chauffer the less fortunate to their required appointments and when I’m not doing that I’m feeding, clothing and sheltering those sad unfortunate creatures. I’m happy to say the medication works well and so long as I remain on it I can contribute to your organization. I hate it when my multiple personalities sneak up on me like that. Make another note: Refill prescription.
Question #3: So why do you want to work here? This is a trick question. Do not. I repeat to myself. Do not let them know that should you have to spend one more moment at your present job you will have to go back on your medication. And for god’s sake don’t say it out loud. This would be a bad thing to say. Simply answer by stating, you are looking for a new challenge, you will bring experience, (translation: age) and knowledge, translation (with age comes wisdom) to the position. Leave it at that.
Question #4: Have you ever made a considerable error and how did you correct this? A question I can actually honestly answer. I know more ways to do things wrong than anyone I know. I’m going to nail this one! But wait. Could this be another trick question to see how incredibly stupid I can be. Better come back to this one. Let them think I have to really think about a time when I actually made a grievous mistake, like agreeing to this interview.
Question #5: What can you offer our organization? You mean besides baggage? I’m talking the large walk-in closet kind of baggage. I’m of the old adage I wouldn’t want to work for a company that would have me as an employee. Offer up your soul and be done with it.
Question #6: How would you describe your personality? Please don’t answer which one? Just give them the most normal one you’ve got. I am a high-energy person who is motivated by new challenges and problems. They need not know your high-energy stems from AADHD. Problems you got plenty.
Question #7: If your co-workers could say three positive things about you what would they say? I’m dependable, organized and have a good sense of humour. Translation: I show up. I haven’t lost anything important lately and I’m always making them laugh. Just don’t add the part about laughing at me not with me.
Do you have any questions for us? I don’t have a hope in hell do I? I mean, when will you be making your decision?